HAPPY FLAG DAY!

There's a three story tall flag hanging in Hemming Plaza...

Flags being handed out to local businesses...

Homeless people whipping flags around and pawning them for beer money...

And a cop backing his cruiser into the tree outside my window.

I've never felt more patriotic.

GOD I love Jacksonville.

Mmm..mmm...mmm... TASTY!

There's a large fountain soda outside of my window. Now, my years of studying and practicing advertising in the workplace tells me that paying a mid-teen to early-twenty year old $5.75 per hour to dress up in logo-covered costume to hustle corners garners attention of passers-by to persuade them to come in and create TOM awareness.

I guess the booty-dancing in costume is supposed to appeal to the downtown demographic? He or she is well on his way to a career in advertising!

I'd snack that.

Let the festival begin!

DOUBLE OR NOTHIN, gotta make up for having a holiday on Monday, I guess!

Guy walks in. Backwards hat. Backpack. Eyebrow ring, three arrow rings through each ear. Shants. Tube socks and kicks. Not one, but two skull necklaces. Creeper ‘stache.

M: Good morning, can I help you?

Guy: [Creepily walks towards me, all six eyes on him and his skull jewelry staring at me] I’m just walkin around town lookin for a job. What do y’all do here? (SIDENOTE: Are we seeing a theme here?! I am my own survey research project! No one knows what we do here.)

M: We’re an advertising agency.

Guy: Okay. Hirin?

M: No. Unfortunately we are in a hiring freeze [lie].

Guy: Oh. Do you accept applications?

M: Of course. Well, we take resumes. This isn’t a Burger King. [Okay so I didn’t say that last part………..but I thought it.]

Guy: (Rolls eyes)..ugh….. Well… you see…. I made some bad choices when I was 17 (clamps both hands together and talks slower, resting his chin on his hands…) that led me to be incarcerated for ten years. I’ve never had a job. No one will help me get a resume together, so I’m working with the Urban League. But, you see… they only meet on Tuesday nights at 9.

M: [Internally laughing at the difficulty of compiling a resume of life, if you’ve never held a job, and also: what’s wrong with Tuesday’s at 9 if you’re not working?] I see.

Guy: (Awkward silence. Keeps standing there. WOODLAND walks in, says good morning and waves, walks in door……. Thanks for leaving me for the dogs a-hole!!!)

Guy: (More awkward silence).

Guy: I’ll have to get one put together. (Stares up at wall) So you do advertising?

M: Yep.

Guy: (Laughs, walks towards door) So like computer art, CAD stuff?

M: Yep [lie…get the F out of here, dude.]

Guy: (Laughs again). Yeah, I could do that. I’m pretty good at some of that Microsoft Windows stuff. I’ve tried CAD a couple times.

Guy: Thanks for your time! I’ll be back when I get a resume! (Goes outside and hops on his BMX bike, rides off).

M: Can’t wait!!!

*******************************************************************************

Bobby. Oh Bobby.

B: Things have been busy at the apartment complex lately. Have I ever told you about my best friend?

M: [Song pops in my hungover head: “Let me tell ya ‘bout my beeessssssssst frienddddd…” from Rob & Big] Nope.

B: Back in ’89, I had this best friend. Me n him? We did everything together. We was great friends. It was so cool. I had this girl I was datin, but she ended up havin his kid.

M: Oh?

B: Yep. He’s moving back to the area now, haven’t seen him in a long time. Sucks just losin your good friend… Now he wants to move into my complex. I’m so excited – it’s like havin my best friend back!

M: Yeah.

B: Filled out the application? He’s got two counts for sex with a 16 year old. 15 counts for faulty checks. I guess he’s been busy since he moved away. (Gets somber) So I don’t know if my friends movin back. My apartment manager won’t let him move in.

M: Well, that’s no fun.

B: Yeah. The 16 year old thing was nothing. He was messing around with her mom. Then he broke up with her and went back to her daughter. The mom got pissed, so pretty sure she’s the one that filed the charges.

M: Oh.

B: Yeah. It’s been nice seeing him though. Just miss the good ole days.

The good ole days, where your BFF knocks up your girlfriend and then dates the mom? You ain’t livin the good life until that shit happens.

Never a dull moment in advertising land...

B: Man, it smells like Lysol in here.

Me: (feeling OCD, because I AM and don’t want to get sick for my visitors!!!!!!!) Yeah, I just sprayed some because this woman just came in sneezing and coughing.

B: I had a can of Lysol. It was one of those little ones. I couldn’t find it anywhere. Sure ‘nuff, I gave up on it figuring it was just gone… then I found it under my bed!

Me: Isn’t that somethin’.

B: Same thing with this big bag of new socks I had!

Me: (thinking: F-ING EWWWWWWWWW) ……….Are they by the Lysol by your bed?

B: Yep they were! I’ve got a pretty good memory. I just dunno where I put stuff!

____________________________________________________________________

Story from Bobby, regarding the Scotty “Pooped Himself” Store.

Homeless Man whom hasn’t showered in weeks, or more, is hanging out at Scotty Store (not the unusual part).

Homeless Man won’t leave.

Scotty Store Owner tells him to get out.

Scotty Store Owner fills bucket.

Scotty Store Owner tosses bucket full of water at Homeless Man, screaming, “I’ll give you a shower!!!!!!! Get out!!!!!!”

Bobby comes back to the office, chuckling and spitting out the story, while handing me a can of Diet Pepsi from the SS.

I’ve got a friend.

I'm on a roll.

I've been finding some ridiculous (read: funny) shit lately.

I can't believe that my blog hasn't morphed into this, already. Someone beat me to the punch.

Really?

You have to be kidding me.

Being sick...

...sucks. Blahhh.