Mother of the year.

Interactive freelancer walks in.

He says, "I just walked by a mom and baby getting into a car, and I notice that the baby has a helmet on.


"I think to myself, 'Why does a kid that young have a helmet on? Weird.’


"Then the mom goes to put the kid in the car, and whacks it's head on the car doorframe."

It's so hot my cookies are meltin'!

In walks B-squared.

Walks towards the counter, fingers looking dingy from afar. Upon closer inspection, it turns out that his fingers are covered with a shit-consistency substance. After walking past several piles of vomit on the streets of downtown Jax this morning, just about anything has the ability to set me into dry heaves….

B: [Shoves hand toward my face] huhuhhhuhhuhuhhhhh… looks gross, don’t it?

Me: Yep.

B: huhhuhhhheehhhhehhhh… wanna cookie?

Me: I’m straight.

B: huhhuhuhh… Man, it’s hot out there. These cookies are so fresh they are out the oven and melted outside! It’s so hot that I had to wash my hair in the sink next door.

Me: [….taking a half second to realize that this is B I’m talking to, so I gaze up at his scalp…. Yup. Sure enough…] It’s not quite that serious out there.

B: huhhuhhuhuuuhuhu!!!!!huuuhhhhhu!!!!!!hhhuhuhhhuhuhuhuhuhuhhu!hhuuhuhuhhhh!!!

Just as I thought the urge to barf had subsided, he licks his poop fingers with a slurping noise.

FML.

Highlights for the first week of July.

White male dragging young black female down the sidewalk in t-shirt that says [front] “Crack is Whack!” and [back] “Kick Rocks!”


Another highlight, a couple arguing in Hemming Plaza. Female has male pinned to the wall by his neck. Female is in orange tank and blue jean spankys (because they’re far too short to be considered a real-life skirt), golden 4” heels, and tops it off with a purple wig with hot pink highlights. Looks to weigh all of 100 pounds. Male storms off to their Homeless Plaza clique – where argument ensues between Female and another [much larger] female.

Life lesson: No matter how hot you think you are, NEVER underestimate the power of the big girls.

"You're so lucky to work across from a park!"

Yeah, pretty lucky to work across from a park that the homeless play chess in all day. Pee in the brush while staring at you. And rip off the vines of your company's flower pots to shove into a plastic Publix veggie bag. Who needs a nursery when you can drive to your nearest metropolitan center and rip them out of the sidewalk planters!

And here I've been spending all this time studying financial responsibility. All I need to do is watch from my lobby window for a few weeks and take a few pointers to save a buck!

HAPPY FLAG DAY!

There's a three story tall flag hanging in Hemming Plaza...

Flags being handed out to local businesses...

Homeless people whipping flags around and pawning them for beer money...

And a cop backing his cruiser into the tree outside my window.

I've never felt more patriotic.

GOD I love Jacksonville.

Mmm..mmm...mmm... TASTY!

There's a large fountain soda outside of my window. Now, my years of studying and practicing advertising in the workplace tells me that paying a mid-teen to early-twenty year old $5.75 per hour to dress up in logo-covered costume to hustle corners garners attention of passers-by to persuade them to come in and create TOM awareness.

I guess the booty-dancing in costume is supposed to appeal to the downtown demographic? He or she is well on his way to a career in advertising!

I'd snack that.

Let the festival begin!

DOUBLE OR NOTHIN, gotta make up for having a holiday on Monday, I guess!

Guy walks in. Backwards hat. Backpack. Eyebrow ring, three arrow rings through each ear. Shants. Tube socks and kicks. Not one, but two skull necklaces. Creeper ‘stache.

M: Good morning, can I help you?

Guy: [Creepily walks towards me, all six eyes on him and his skull jewelry staring at me] I’m just walkin around town lookin for a job. What do y’all do here? (SIDENOTE: Are we seeing a theme here?! I am my own survey research project! No one knows what we do here.)

M: We’re an advertising agency.

Guy: Okay. Hirin?

M: No. Unfortunately we are in a hiring freeze [lie].

Guy: Oh. Do you accept applications?

M: Of course. Well, we take resumes. This isn’t a Burger King. [Okay so I didn’t say that last part………..but I thought it.]

Guy: (Rolls eyes)..ugh….. Well… you see…. I made some bad choices when I was 17 (clamps both hands together and talks slower, resting his chin on his hands…) that led me to be incarcerated for ten years. I’ve never had a job. No one will help me get a resume together, so I’m working with the Urban League. But, you see… they only meet on Tuesday nights at 9.

M: [Internally laughing at the difficulty of compiling a resume of life, if you’ve never held a job, and also: what’s wrong with Tuesday’s at 9 if you’re not working?] I see.

Guy: (Awkward silence. Keeps standing there. WOODLAND walks in, says good morning and waves, walks in door……. Thanks for leaving me for the dogs a-hole!!!)

Guy: (More awkward silence).

Guy: I’ll have to get one put together. (Stares up at wall) So you do advertising?

M: Yep.

Guy: (Laughs, walks towards door) So like computer art, CAD stuff?

M: Yep [lie…get the F out of here, dude.]

Guy: (Laughs again). Yeah, I could do that. I’m pretty good at some of that Microsoft Windows stuff. I’ve tried CAD a couple times.

Guy: Thanks for your time! I’ll be back when I get a resume! (Goes outside and hops on his BMX bike, rides off).

M: Can’t wait!!!

*******************************************************************************

Bobby. Oh Bobby.

B: Things have been busy at the apartment complex lately. Have I ever told you about my best friend?

M: [Song pops in my hungover head: “Let me tell ya ‘bout my beeessssssssst frienddddd…” from Rob & Big] Nope.

B: Back in ’89, I had this best friend. Me n him? We did everything together. We was great friends. It was so cool. I had this girl I was datin, but she ended up havin his kid.

M: Oh?

B: Yep. He’s moving back to the area now, haven’t seen him in a long time. Sucks just losin your good friend… Now he wants to move into my complex. I’m so excited – it’s like havin my best friend back!

M: Yeah.

B: Filled out the application? He’s got two counts for sex with a 16 year old. 15 counts for faulty checks. I guess he’s been busy since he moved away. (Gets somber) So I don’t know if my friends movin back. My apartment manager won’t let him move in.

M: Well, that’s no fun.

B: Yeah. The 16 year old thing was nothing. He was messing around with her mom. Then he broke up with her and went back to her daughter. The mom got pissed, so pretty sure she’s the one that filed the charges.

M: Oh.

B: Yeah. It’s been nice seeing him though. Just miss the good ole days.

The good ole days, where your BFF knocks up your girlfriend and then dates the mom? You ain’t livin the good life until that shit happens.